DRAINED


Drowning in emotional exhaustion.
Can't think about it.
Can't speak about it.
A quicksand that holds me fast.
Can't fight it.
Can't give in.

Behind Her Eyes

The first night it happened she woke up only after feeling something on her body, touching her. Someone's hands were touching her body, moving all around it, stopping for a minute here and there, then moving on. Bronwyn woke up as soon as he started touching her although she didn't open her eyes. She lay perfectly still and kept her eyes closed as she was scared if she opened them and looked at him he would hurt her. All she did until he finished and left the room was breathe.

She was lying in her bed, in a bedroom she shared with her older brother. The bed was an old, cheap bunkbed and Bronwyn slept in the bottom bunk. Her brothor Cloud slept in the top bunk. The blanket on her bed was given to her by her grandmother and it was white, with tiny blue flowers with green leaves on it, and she loved the way it felt against her skin. She also loved that her grandmother cared enough to give it to her. The room was small, only big enough for the bunkbed, a built in dresser and closet the brother and sister shared. There was a window in back of the bed. The curtains hanging on the window were there when the mother and her two children moved in. It was a relatively small trailer with a master bedroom at one end, the living room at the other and a bathroom, the second bedroom, and the kitchen sanwiched in between. Nothing special and they had done nothing special to it since moving in other than replacing the bed in the childrens with a bunkbed.

Bronwyn was ten years old and lived with her mother, brother and new step-father in a trailer that was situated behind her grandmothers house in a small town in Florida. They came to live there after her parents divorce. Her mother met her new step-father about a year after that, and they were married shortly after. No fancy wedding, and the children were not informed, nor were they present. They were just told afterwards in a very matter of fact way.

This was the first time he came into her bedroom and the last time she woke after he came in.

Dysfunctional Mothering

I held your hand when you were little and kissed your hurts away.
I felt your pain when you had a birthday party and no one showed up.
Mothers love burned like a fireball, and I wanted to kiss the hurt away from your heart.

I wished for you a perfect life, mature in body, mind and spirit.
Spread your wings and fly away when you were ready.
But you flew away before you were ready, and never grew up.

Now
You forge my checks and I....give you money.
You pawn gifts of jewelery and I .....give you more jewelery,
because I want you to have pretty things.
You break into my house and I.....do very little.
You talk about needing money to rent a house and I....borrow it.
You move out of the house and I.....am still paying off the loan.


You mention the girls need clothes for school and I......buy them.
You abuse my trust with the trget card and I say.....almost nothing.
I figure it is no use, you don't care.
You need clothes for a job and ask to use a charge card and I ....let you.
Two weeks later, no job, but you keep the clothes and never offer any money.
If I say anything about these "things" you say....all I care about are material things.
You tell me you hate me and I.....am not surprised.
You leave Alexis with Mike and parents and don't tell me so I can go and get her,
and.... I am not surprised.


I am desensitized to the bad things you do....almost nothing surprises me,
Unless it would be hearing good.
I think you really do hate me, and punish me by not letting the kids stay with us.
It would have hurt no one if Alexis had stayed with us for a couple of weeks.
I guess you got a thrill out of imagining how I would feel when I found outs she stayed behind.
You have no idea how hard it is to look at their pictures without crying and feeling very blue.
I am still trying to kiss your hurts away ( yes that is right)
How can you grow up, if I won't let you.

Michalina

Curly hair
laughing face
Little baby mine
Michalina

Blue eyes
busy hands
Little baby mine
Michalina

Never still
while awake
Little baby mine
Michalina

Sweetly sleeping
pretty angel
Little baby mine
Michalina

Love you always
and forever
Little baby mine
Michalina

Deception

We never realize how important it is to be able to believe what we are told by others. When a person is willing to lie to make his or her life easier you fully begin to understand what it means. No matter how many times you ask for reassurances you will never believe what you are told. Also to someone that is capable of lying on a daily basis they don't believe you. Yes that is right. They think that everyone else is as they are. A cumpulsive lier. So you find yourself constantly being questioned and your word is doubted.

You came into my life, a surprise, almost a dare.......to trust.
I looked in your eyes and thought I could see your soul.
What you then did was strip me bare,
and drop kick my heart into a hole.

I cannot recover, I cannot find my way..........Trust
is a word that to us can no longer apply.
You have managed to turn my dreams into dust,
and what I think now, is do I want? Can I die?

To much to remember.

Just to get thru the day it takes passwords.
To pay bills,
Check your bank balance.
Check email.
Log onto Facebook.
To view my paycheck,
as now it is a "virtual" paycheck!

Any sites you join require passwords.

Not EVER just any password. They all want something just a tiny bit different , so you can't use the same one EVER.

Just chilling out.

Learning that having a blog is helping me make friends with myself. Even if it isn't read by anyone, I am benefiting from having a blog. I am ,as they say getting in touch with my creative side.
I also have a Facebook and have recently read that a lot of people are quitting Facebook due to privacy issues. I am not. I don't have much of my personal information on Facebook and I find that having a Facebook page is also helping me . I read other peoples posts on my "wall" and have a happier frame of mind after a few minutes of realizing tha A) There is no perfect life. Everyone has shortcomings in the life they were dealt , they are just trying to cope as best they can, sometimes using humor. B) After reading for a few minutes I can dive back into the rest of the day with a smile.
God does have a sense of humor. And God said "HA"
Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.